Steph Morrow Shenanigans

When you feel like writing about something to get it all out but you don’t quite know where to begin…

This year has been a weird year. Moved back home and have changed jobs. Not really sure what I want to do with this life.

Had been chatting to a friend, daily, who I’d known since school.

Also going to counselling. Highly recommend this, especially to anyone with a busy head and mixed up thoughts.

So I went through a shitty relationship in my teenage years. Think I’d been carting that horse around for a long time. So this year I’ve put some of that to bed. It’s been a big deal actually. I’m proud of myself for it. Thought I was ready for a fresh start.

Was brave. Met up with the school friend and we seemed to really hit it off. Had some fun. Little alarm bells were going off in the distance, very quietly, over shadowed by the happiness I felt at reconnecting. Particularly that I was paying for everything because he had no job and I wanted to do fun stuff…

Then he started bringing up a person who had just split up with my ex.

Apparently they were friends again after her splitting up with him.

This all came to a head when I found out they’d gone running off into the night together to look at the moon.

What. The. Fuck.

I tried to make light of it initially and then decided no, this is the year I am brave.

So I spent a significant amount of time piecing together a message to explain how I was feeling: Uncomfortable.

Day 1: The resulting factor was the ‘friend’ was completely horrible to me.
Day 2: Ignored me for a day.
Day 3: Talked it out and everything seemed, in his words, ‘back on track’.
Day 4: And then he was weird with me, talking to me but not quite himself. And I was still in shock from the horridness of Day 1.
Day 5: Silence all day and then a shitty message ‘I can’t do this anymore. Things can’t go back to what they were’ or words to that effect.

Day 7: We had plans which I later found out he went and did with this other girl. Last message received that day; he’ll be okay ‘This soon will pass’.

He’s ghosted me ever since.

I want to talk about the darkness that completely engulfed me. All consuming black hole that swallowed me up.

We don’t talk about this enough. Didn’t when I was a teenager. Dealt with it all on my own. What a mess.

So here it is;
It was fucking awful.
Rejection is one thing.
Being rejected for someone who just split up with your ex from your teenage years, the baggage of which you’ve only just properly dealt with yourself; horrific.

Luckily I was already in counselling. Big shout out to my counsellor who is the most amazing, kind, understanding lady. If anyone reading this feels the way I did please reach out. They help you unravel your thoughts and climb back out of the back hole, on your own in some ways, which gives you your sparkly powers back.

Also talk to people. I’ve messaged a select few but my gosh the power of their opinions, refreshing perspectives, random chats about other things, has helped in ways they probably don’t appreciate themselves. So Thank you to those individuals too 🖤

The black hole:
Basically this is as the name suggests. So frigging low. Like I fell down a bottomless pit. I actually went off food. I am a foody. That is Unheard Of.

Didn’t want to do anything… normally I’m happy in my own company and I love a project. Couldn’t bring myself to do anything. Just sat there on the sofa. Gosh dogs are special aren’t they? They looked after me 100% and were my motivation to still try to keep a bit of routine and I needed to go to work, despite how hollow it felt, so I could buy them food and stuff.

The last few months have been spent focusing on the little things. I shall list them, instead of rambling on…
• Self love, treating myself to one thing a week… mostly this was purchasing (and still is) nice out fits for things that are going to happen in the future. Also, for me, it was taking some time to read. Having a shower. Tidying up. Different lovely walks with the dogs.
• Time out with friends and family. Gosh I am so grateful for the people I’ve spent time with over the last few months 🖤
• I made a couple of signs. One of them reminding me to Love myself. The other a Happiness Board, where I use post it notes to jot down the little things that make my heart sing. From enjoying some peace, a good counselling session, finishing a book.. to lovely outings with people or nice meals
• Got away, for a break and fresh air, new scenery – the lake district, everyone should visit at least once in their lives. Especially Beatrix Potter’s house and world. Idolise that inspiring lady now.
• Got a new tattoo – don’t recommend this to everyone lol But I covered up some scars from my teenage years with something more positive.

Some of the stuff felt a bit hollow at first. Like I was going through the actions but not enjoying it like I usually would.. like eating. Still a bit in awe that I could just loose my appetite.

Very, very gradually the colour has leaked back in to life though. I’m still not 100% there yet, else I probably wouldn’t be sat here reflecting on it all now.

But it was so important to feel all those feelings and I just thought I’d share how I came to be here.

At this point.

*I also saged my whole house and cast magical witchy protection spells over my space to cleanse it and make it feel like mine again